Label as 'weird'

And now for something completely different, or at least not craft-related. We interrupt your usual program to bring you something that can only be labelled as FREAKIN' FREAKY. (Disclaimer: it could actually be labelled as something else, 'I like red boots', for example, but that would not make much sense.)
Something is afoot, and I don't mean this kind...



... I mean there's some dodgy stuff happening out there in label-land.
EXHIBIT A:

'But it's just a pack of McVitie's Digestive biscuits,' I hear you cry. 'What could be wrong with that?'
LOOK CLOSER:



To start with, they call themselves DELICIOUS WHEAT BISCUITS. While I am quite partial to a McVitie's, they can really only be called 'delicious' when they are smothered in butter or cheese, preferably both. But that's not the main problem. Read the line just beneath the ingredients list:

THE INGREDIENTS IN THIS BISCUIT DO NOT CONTAIN ANY SUBSTANCE THAT ASSIST DIGESTION.

Hmm, let's pick this one apart, shall we? To start with, surely the line should be 'The ingredients in THESE biscuits do not contain any substance that ASSISTS digestion'. Use your words, McVitie's! Use the Queen's English! After all I notice you are made in Great Britain - in ASHBY-DE-LA-ZOUCH, no less. (Who names these places?!)

More to the point, the biscuits do not aid digestion, yet they are called DIGESTIVES. Confusing, yes? No one expects Mars bars to contain Mars but I would (perhaps naively) assume a digestive biscuit would at least contain fibre or something vaguely nutritious. My GUT FEELING (ha) is that this is part of some huge conspiracy, and that these guys are also involved:

EXHIBIT B:


Kraft Cheddar MADE WITH NATURAL CHEESE?! What the hell else would cheddar cheese be made from? Let's find out...though I'll probably wish I didn't...



Well, it claims to be made with pride. That's technically not an ingredient but at least it's a good start. And that's pretty much where you should stop reading that label if you ever want to eat this so-called cheese, which is made from...er... a minimum 70% cheese. Huh? Oh right, that's because they also had to add other stuff, like butter OR cream, you know, just whichever one was handy at the time. This product confuses me.

EXHIBIT C:



There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to begin. I am too scared to open the packet so I cannot tell you if the box does indeed contain Mother's Finger. I shall have to conduct some kind of scientific test. But again, a conspiracy is lurking: I am sure the results of such a test will remain hidden in ...

...EXHIBIT D:


AAAAARGH!!! EVEN THE ENVELOPES ARE KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME!!!
IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELLS YA!

New year's and other awwwesome stuff!

Oooh look, it's a new year, all shiny and sparkly like a drag queen's wardrobe and full of promises like a pre-election politician. And while I don't particularly want to see a politician in drag (they just wouldn't have the legs for it, daaaahling), I do like sparkly things combined with promises, like this:

I promise this year I will use the mountain of sequins I have been slyly hoarding OR I shall donate them to the op shop.

And I promise I will actually WEAR or UPCYCLE all the shiny gold lurex clothing I have somehow accumulated, usually bought at op shops in a fit of madness best described as the delusional 'I totally have the confidence to wear this' part of me screaming 'It's GOLD!! SHINY! MY PRECIOUSSSSS' while the crafter in me stands cynically to one side thinking 'sure, and if you never wear it, it will make a really great softie robot'. And if I do neither, I shall donate them to an op shop, I promise.

For lo, it is the start of the year and that means I'm thinking crazy thinks like 'gee, I really should have a good tidy up and give away crafty-type ''this will come in handy one day'' stuff that I've been keeping for the past, hmm, THIRTY YEARS that I STILL haven't got around to using', and 'some more wardrobe/ shelf/ desk/ floor/ handbag/ sock drawer/ mental space would be nice, I REALLY SHOULD DECLUTTER.' And yes, those thoughts come all in capital letters because that is the only way I will take note of them. (Sure, those mental notes will likely be discarded after about 30 seconds but it's nice to believe, at least for a moment, that I really will actually do some sorty-outy-type activities this year and will have a CLEAN, WELL-ORGANISED WORKSPACE as a result. I am pretty sure such workspaces only exist in IKEA catalogues but it's worth a try, right? As my pal KT once said, 'Luna, if you chuck out all the old crap you've been keeping YOU WILL HAVE ROOM TO COLLECT NEW CRAP.' Best motivational advice EVER.)

Anyway, so that's my sort-of new year's resolution, I now feel very resolute. And also very glad I am half Chinese because that means I get to celebrate Chinese New Year as well, so if I fail at this resolution business first time round for 2012 I can have another stab at it in a few months, phew. And I've been to Vietnam and Thailand so that means I can celebrate their new year's too, right?... right?....

And speaking of having the confidence to wear crazy-ass shit, or at least things I would not normally wear, there's never a time for dressing up like NYE and this NYE, for the first time, I did:

This is me wearing Bjork's swan costume (well, a replica anyway) for Trash Masquerade - an evening with Amanda Palmer (squeee! My very favourite muso!) and Neil Gaiman (author of, among other things, The Graveyard Book - which got me back into loving books after I'd gone through a horrible patch of reading only average novels).

And this is me doing the 'I'm a little teapot' dance. While dressed in a swan costume. Why? BECAUSE I CAN. The costume was made by my workmate Jan... there is something immensely satisfying about being able to say, quite nonchalantly, 'Oh, this? I borrowed it from my colleage WHO JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE A SWAN COSTUME HANDY.' I highly recommend you try it if, indeed, you ever borrow a swan costume from a workmate. Or even if you don't.

The night was amazing, with the beautiful Jane Austen Argument and the jaw-droppingly hot (and tres talented) Mikelangelo and Saint Clare performing, along with a bunch of other terribly clever acts - including the COMPLETELY EXCELLENT OH MY GOD I HAVE TO SEE HER AGAIN cabaret performer Meow Meow. Thank you, thank you, Amanda Palmer, for putting her on the bill - she is AMAZING.

Naturally Amanda herself was also amazing, although she did do almost eye-rollingly, sighing-with-boredom inducing stuff like JUMPING OUT OF A CAKE WEARING NOTHING BUT STOCKINGS AND UNDERPANTS and PLAYING RADIOHEAD SONGS ON THE UKELELE and, of course, snogging her husband Neil Gaiman on stage, and it made me super happy to see them so happy even though I could not snog my own husband because I was wearing a beaky swan mask and beaky swan masks make kissing quite dificult. And of course she played a bunch of her own fantastic songs (swoon) and Neil read out some of his stories and they even played a few songs together, and even though I doubt very much that he considers himself a singer he sang because she had asked him to, what a guy, and he did great and she did great and you could see how happy they are together and how well they complement each other and it reminded me how lucky I am to have such a brilliant man too and on the whole the night was just filled with awe and, even more so, awwwwwwww. Friends of mine even got ENGAGED that night, that is how full of awwwww the night was. COMPLETELY AWWWWWESOME.
Like an idiot I forgot to bring a camera along to the show, but consoled myself with the knowledge that professional photographers like Mandy Hall would be there ... and I was right. You can check out her pics from the show here.

Nights like that are the best, and you know what's even better? Knowing I will be seeing the almighty Dresden Dolls (Amanda's punk cabaret band, which she was in for ages before launching her solo career - they are doing a 10-year reunion tour) this Sunday... squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!