Something is afoot, and I don't mean this kind...
... I mean there's some dodgy stuff happening out there in label-land.
'But it's just a pack of McVitie's Digestive biscuits,' I hear you cry. 'What could be wrong with that?'
To start with, they call themselves DELICIOUS WHEAT BISCUITS. While I am quite partial to a McVitie's, they can really only be called 'delicious' when they are smothered in butter or cheese, preferably both. But that's not the main problem. Read the line just beneath the ingredients list:
THE INGREDIENTS IN THIS BISCUIT DO NOT CONTAIN ANY SUBSTANCE THAT ASSIST DIGESTION.
Hmm, let's pick this one apart, shall we? To start with, surely the line should be 'The ingredients in THESE biscuits do not contain any substance that ASSISTS digestion'. Use your words, McVitie's! Use the Queen's English! After all I notice you are made in Great Britain - in ASHBY-DE-LA-ZOUCH, no less. (Who names these places?!)
More to the point, the biscuits do not aid digestion, yet they are called DIGESTIVES. Confusing, yes? No one expects Mars bars to contain Mars but I would (perhaps naively) assume a digestive biscuit would at least contain fibre or something vaguely nutritious. My GUT FEELING (ha) is that this is part of some huge conspiracy, and that these guys are also involved:
Kraft Cheddar MADE WITH NATURAL CHEESE?! What the hell else would cheddar cheese be made from? Let's find out...though I'll probably wish I didn't...
Well, it claims to be made with pride. That's technically not an ingredient but at least it's a good start. And that's pretty much where you should stop reading that label if you ever want to eat this so-called cheese, which is made from...er... a minimum 70% cheese. Huh? Oh right, that's because they also had to add other stuff, like butter OR cream, you know, just whichever one was handy at the time. This product confuses me.
There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to begin. I am too scared to open the packet so I cannot tell you if the box does indeed contain Mother's Finger. I shall have to conduct some kind of scientific test. But again, a conspiracy is lurking: I am sure the results of such a test will remain hidden in ...
AAAAARGH!!! EVEN THE ENVELOPES ARE KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME!!!
IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELLS YA!